I look around and all I want is for life to just pause for a moment. I’m trying to start of a new path with my education that will get me to where I need to be and the first thing I’m smacked with is loans……
I have managed not to have to take out loans so far and I am nervous about it. My older brother says I will have no job security at all and I don’t know what to do. I do know that I have to make a change both in myself and in my personal life. I can’t keep in this place of fear and stress. I need and want to spread my wings and thrive. So right now I’m standing before and abyss and I think I’m going to jump. Hopefully I will survive and I will have a great time with it.
I haven’t posted for a bit, but life still moves on. Actually on Saturday I was out in Apple Hill with friends. Then afterwards we went hiking. Now I can truly say I have never been hiking before in my life. So my friend Lydia told me to put on some nice sneakers. I took her serious. So I’m walking in some nice Nikes and everyone is wanting to walk the lake shore. That’s sounds great, but no one told me about the fact that the shore might look and even feel solid but that can change in an instance. So long story short we hiked over 7-9 miles and then had to turn around and hike back 2 more miles to get picked up. Since we apparently were hiking towards no man land and it was getting dark. But it was really fun.
I’m also going forward with my research and plans for a Tiny House. I know it might seem strange to some. The fact of the matter is I’m single so I do not need to have a huge place. I will also be able to more easily afford it versus a traditional home. This will allow me to have more freedom and more ability to enjoy and live life. So things are beginning to move forward.
Ok hello again, I know it’s been a while almost a year since I’ve posted but life has not been fun or all that easy. So to recap the last few months; I ended up leaving the job that I was in after a year. The company was completely nice but the financial situation was messing with my pay. I ended up in a temporary job that caused a lot of mental stress and I worry some physical stress as well. Thankfully I was actually had my last day for that job yesterday. I do have a new job and that has been a blessing so far. I was able to complete the last two semesters of school with A’s & B’s thereby upping my GPA.
I do have my license and a car now. Even though I haven’t been exploring like I planned too. My younger brother also left out of nowhere even though we all had a talk as siblings. I am happy for him that he is succeeding out there in Utah, but I am still hurt and angry over the way that he did it, as well as the fact that he is once again forcing me to be in the middle between him and our older brother. Add on the fact that I am being put in a negative position due to my family and yess life has been wonderful. So this last year or so has had some very sad moments to very good ones as well.
I am sad to say that I still haven’t found my One, but I was able to help my friend gain hers. I will never regret that at all so it’s worth it even when I no longer get to see her since she is focusing on him. Also I can report that my friend ended up marrying the guy that I talked about in one of my previous posts. I am very happy for them but do to the internal awkwardness that I felt I’m not really so sad that we’ve not been as close lately.
On the topic of relationships, I was talking to my cousin Lyssa earlier today about her little girl Belle and she told me they lied about childbirth, it’s horrible and don’t have kids after 30. Then comes the awkward silence as she then remembers I am only 4 years away from 30. Thankfully I am truly blessed so that I don’t happen to look my age at all. But that does bring that internal fear that I have yet to beat again. So as a future defense I refuse to be the Cat Lady instead I’m going to be the globetrotter with a dog at my side if it comes to that.
Growing up, changing schools, going off to college….the sad, sad end of the Friends tv series (yes, years later and I’m still mourning that loss). This weekend, it was time to visit my hometown and say goodbye to my childhood home. My parents are moving on to build their dream home. It was also my dad’s and grandpa’s birthdays. So many reasons to celebrate!!
The cake for their party combined two family favorites. Banana pudding and cake. Awesome combo!!!
But first, a funny story. There tend to be many of these when my family gets together.
This time, I was writing my last post while my mom cleaned out their pantry. Every few minutes hearing “Would you use…?” as she pawned off donated pantry items to my sister and I. Hey, I’m all for free food…
This week has been a little tough. I know that it’s only Tuesday, but for me my week starts on Saturday with work. Let’s just say that a lot of little things have been piling on top of one another with some larger things and it’s begun to boil over into a huge emotional mess.
It was a little hard working one on one with my employer all Saturday and Sunday by myself. But that in and of itself I could manage to overcome but in conjunction with the other things around me it’s been hard. My younger brother broke off his relationship with his current girlfriend after she accused him of some very hurtful things. So I’m helping with that while also picking him back up when she continually calls him both accusing and saying that she wants him back. But she’s also texting me…….
My older brother came back from Vegas for a work conference over the weekend. On my way to work I texted him a be safe and I love him message and he replied back that he loved me and that I was the best little sister ever. I cried in shock. I know for others this might seem strange but my older brother doesn’t really tell me these things. Even though we roommate together he doesn’t talk to me hardly ever….in fact we might go days without speaking to one another…..so yea. But one of the main issues that I’m having is that once again he tells me to rely on him for something in this instance that he would teach me to drive. Yes everyone can laugh it up. In your twenties and you still don’t know how to drive hah!!! Everyone else is laughing…. People I know constantly tell me that they will teach me but never follow through and sadly my Older brother is doing the same… I’m sitting here trying to defend him to my younger brother while he’s sitting in his room with his girlfriend and friend playing the XBox. But I thought I was the best sister. 😥
Monday is the day that I have to do the weekly activity with my singles group at church and there I must face the attempts of romance past and his new girlfriend who coincidentally is on the committee with me. The first time that I have ever tried to pursue a guy as everyone constantly tells me to and it was a failure. But what was worse was being told that I should and then finding out that he went for another girl and then finding out that my so-called cheerleaders knew and never planned on telling me….. So I have to talk and work with them both without causing a scene and embarrassing myself and still keeping my composure…
Each issue is small and separately I can deal with them all as I have been forced to for the past few months. But this time they just happened one after another and I wasn’t ever given the time to fortify my walls and brace myself for the incoming waves. Please will I ever have someone in my corner when I’m weak. Or must I always beg and scrape by while always holding others up. I won’t ever stop loving them even though I’m not perfect but something’s got to give and I’m so afraid it will be me at times.
Yesterday was a day of both external real life and internal submission for me. But even in the midst of it I still had so much clarity and eye opening moments that I was just in awe. The first thing that occurred was when my Nana called me to let me know that she had just left the VA and needed my current address. Once I gave it to her she let me know that she was sending me the paperwork for me to be able to go to school and it will be paid for all the way up to my Phd levels. All I could do was cry because I never thought that I would be able to afford getting that high of a degree level. Now I just v have to figure out what I want to do with it. I have my English Degree along with a Liberal Arts and Social Studies degree. So maybe just maybe I’ll work it and do something to become a secretary or something in business…
Ok so for me what I noticed about submission came to me while I was at the Dentist’s office. I was sitting there on the chair having to put my trust in these two women who were operating drills and needles in my mouth without knowing or being able to see what they were doing. All I could do in that instance was close my eyes and trust that they were not trying to harm me and in fact they were taking care of me. This actually wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.
Ok on a side note. Some may have noticed the different flower pictures that I have put at the end of each post. The reason for this is that I am currently in love with the idea of the language of flowers. So with each post I will be putting the name and picture of a flower that will represent how I am feeling at that current moment. So I hope that everyone will enjoy it.
Today was the day that I decided to start my new plan for my life. So instead of waiting for others to come to my rescue and save me from my current place I will be doing it for myself. After a bit of morning prayer I got up an got started with my new plan and did my morning routine. But as with any new thing something will always come along to test your resolve. For me it was the fact that the dress I was planning on wearing was see through and I couldn’t fix it. So I had to change my entire outfit but the pants I needed were dirty… So in the washer they went. And after I put them on wet. Then I got news from my roommate that people are coming from out of town and I had to do a quick go over of the house since I was the only one still at home. So that set me back an hour. But finally I made it out of the house damp pants and all. Thankfully the Sun was hot enough that they dried pretty quickly.
So moral of this story: I still made it to the employment agency before they closed and was able to get a lot of listings for new jobs that I will be applying for. It’s coming along slowly but surely. Next milestone will be buying my first car. I know for others this might seem crazy. But hey I’ve been using my legs this entire time and now it really is time for me to get on with the next stage of my life. I will be using my new transportation to take myself on vacation either later on this year or next year.
Well since last night’s post I have had to start the rough journey.. For some reason right after I posted my last entry I got a flag from the site saying that my blog went against the site’s rules… All I could do was say “What in the world!” Thus began my desperate and grueling fight to save my new outlet. I finally got a message from the site’s control late this afternoon telling me that it was a mistake and everything was all fixed now. I could only let out a huge sigh of relief at that.
In my dreams for my life I had never thought I would be this far, yet in another sense I hoped I would be farther along you know. Sometimes it feels as though I have been walking around in a haze of fear and pain. I feel so full of some life experiences that I never thought I would have to go through but due to the actions of others they did occur. However in the normal everyday development I guess you could say that I am somewhat stunted in those area’s. Part of me wonders at times if this is what draws me to the idea of submission. The hope or ideal dream that He would be the One I could depend on and that I could trust Him to make the hard decisions and to be the Protector and Home that I could always come to. But then the fearful part within me says “What if he just takes our trust and dashes it on the stones like so many others. We shouldn’t give Him a chance to come in and hurt us.” And at this point the only thing that I can do is to fall on my knees and ask my Heavenly Father for help and guidance. I’m not going to lie I’ve been a little lax in doing this lately but within my self there is still the call to HIM that I send up daily. But despite all of the fear and doubts that plague me I know that the prayer that I sent out this morning for patience and wisdom to guide me through the day has yet to fail me.
Gladiolus: birth flower of August
one of the meanings is that of Determination and Strength.
Today was a day that I just wanted to end so that I could go home and stick my head under my pillow and not come out. Sadly with the job that I currently have, my shift is only on the weekend and that truly messes with my normal operating schedule. But no matter what I have to put on my Big Girl Panties since bills still need to be paid and I do have to eat. No matter how many times I forget….. So I get up and continue on with a fake smile on my face at times just so that I can take care of myself. No matter what my boss says that is completely rude and hurtful I will continue. Not because I’m so strong all the time but more that I know if I stop I might not start back again. I’m saying this not because I want anyone to feel sorry for me but I am hoping that if I put these thoughts to “pen an paper” as it were; that I might be able to overcome these circumstances or at the very least have a non harmful way of releasing tension in the only way available to me at this point.
I’m not going to lie the little girl within me who watched the Disney Princess movies as a child still holds out hope that I will soon be saved… If not by a Prince on a White Horse (truly over rated) then by my ONE. But then my more pessimistic side tends to speak up and say “If he hasn’t came by now what makes you think he’ll ever come???? Look around you’ve never really been picked by the guy you’ve hoped for or even thought about. To come in and calm the Fire that dwells within. No all they see you for is a pair of legs and breasts nothing else…” But then my inner stubborn self pops up and states “So what if they didn’t see me!! They weren’t the ONE for me. And no matter what I’ll keep going on because I still see me!!!”